Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors
by Sariniste
Summary: Humorous short letters to Bleach fanfiction authors: what the characters would say in response to common fanfic clichés. Canon universe and pairings, mostly. No non-canon pairings. Drabble series. Suggestions welcome!
1. Ichigo Kurosaki

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 1 - Ichigo Kurosaki**

**A/N: **It's been a rough week and I needed a bit of humor and silliness, so I thought I'd try this. Let me know what you think!

After reading some of the reviews, I would like to make it very clear that I'm not trying to diss any pairings in these drabbles. I'm just trying to imagine what the _Bleach_ characters themselves would say about them, and remember, there are _very few_ canon pairings.

Those of you who have read my writing know that I am poking fun at some of the pairings (and clichés) I myself love and/or write.

So please remember not to take any of this too seriously. I promise not to put any of my own or others' pairing preferences in these drabbles. Canon pairings only, and even those may come in for some roasting.

This story is being translated into Italian by the talented **Ameshiri**! You can see the translation on the Italian fanfiction site EFP here ( efpfanfic dot net slash viewstory. php?sid=1222295&i=1).

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ Inspired by **Horizons**' Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/8/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I just found your site, and frankly, it's disturbing. Why do half of your stories involve a romance between me and someone else? I mean, last I heard, this is a shounen manga. That means lots of fighting and me protecting shit.

Besides, I'm 17 and every other episode I'm busy saving the world. Plus I have homework. I don't have time for a girlfriend. Write about Byakuya and Hisana or Gin and Rangiku or someone. Sheesh!

OK, I can see you hooking me up with Rukia—she changed my life, and she's always there to knock some sense into me when I'm down. Plus, yeah, it was embarrassing having her sleep in my closet. (Have you ever tried to tell Rukia to stop doing something she wants to do? She's like a force of nature.) But she's not interested in me that way. We're friends.

Or Inoue—well, she's the idol of Karakura High; we've been close friends since middle school and I've always been protective of her. But she's not interested in me that way either.

But… I just saw some of the most popular stories involve me and… Grimmjow? What the fuck is that? First of all, I'm not gay. And even if I were, the bastard wants to fight me, not have sex with me. He's a Hollow for crying out loud. They eat souls, remember?

And… this is the worst of all: me and Aizen. I mean, _Aizen_? Hello, he's the one who caused all these problems in the first place. My whole purpose is to defeat him. And… have you forgotten he's a mass murderer? What is wrong with you people?

_**Crazed Fangirl:**__ Aizen-sama hasn't really killed anyone. Momo is still alive. Harribel is still alive. And all the captains he defeated are still alive._

_**Me:**__ What about Gin? And, um, Central 46?_

_**Crazed Fangirl:**__ Oh. *deflates* Yeah. I forgot about them. But… he's still awesome._

_**Me: **__'Forgot'? Excuse me? Anyone who's murdered at least forty-seven people is not what I'd call awesome. *shakes head* It's a good thing he's in prison where all the fangirls can't get at him. __Who knows what he could manipulate them into doing?_

Seriously, stop it. Just stop it.

**Sincerely,**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Review and leave your suggestions for characters you think should write a letter, pairings you think deserve to have a bit of fun poked at them, or any other fanfiction clichés.

And if you don't have any ideas, please review anyway and let me know what you think!


	2. Toshiro Hitsugaya

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 2 – Toshiro Hitsugaya**

**A/N:** Thanks to **Guest** for this one. And thanks to **Gemini24** for catching a mistake in the first chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ Inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/9/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

There's no reason for me to be such a popular character with you people. I'm simply good at my job, that's all, and personally, I'd prefer not to have all this attention. And stop saying I have "teal orbs!"

And if I'm so popular, how come so many of your fanfictions feature me being tortured?

While we're on the subject of torture, could you please not write me in a romantic relationship with Lieutenant Matsumoto? She is a competent lieutenant if, and only if, I keep after her. And if she lays off the sake. But we have a purely, and I mean purely, professional relationship.

As to the other romances:

Momo is my _sister_, for goodness sake. We grew up together. Of course I love her… as a _sister_. Let me tell you, when you've cleaned up after someone wetting the bed, you just don't, uh, think of her _that _way.

Ichigo? Oh, I forgot, everybody gets paired with him. But seriously… no.

Karin? Who's Karin?

**Sincerely,**

**Captain Hitsugaya**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Please review!


	3. Mayuri Kurotsuchi

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 3 – ****Mayuri Kurotsuchi**

**A/N:** Thanks for all your awesome reviews and suggestions! You've made me laugh and some of your ideas have been so inspiring I had to rush to my computer and start typing. So… today's drabble was inspired by **Flare-Flare's** review.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ Inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/11/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Ah, a very interesting psychological experiment here, this 'fanfiction'! *cackles* My trusty lab assistant has written a program to scrape all the _Bleach_ content from the fanfiction dot net website, all 66,274 stories of it, and input it into our databases here in the Twelfth Division. I have made some _fascinating_ discoveries. (And indeed, some fodder for blackmail… *rubs hands together* …that should assist us with those pesky budgetary difficulties we've been having ever since the 'incident' where soutaichou regrettably discovered the purposes we were using some of our research funds for...)

Ahem. On to the data.

Tsk, tsk. Some of you should attend fiction writing classes on how to avoid clichéd language. There are twelve thousand, five hundred and twenty-seven mentions of 'chocolate orbs', 'violet orbs' or 'teal orbs.' Not to mention 'raven tresses' or 'orange locks.' These are classic indicators of poor writing, my young test subjects.

And fourteen thousand eight hundred nine uses of the terms 'berry' or 'orangette' to refer to the substitute shinigami Ichigo Kurosaki. What is this fixation on fruit? 'Orangette' is not even a word.

And then there's the repetition. And the repetition. And the repetition.

Pitiful.

One thousand, nine hundred sixty-four mentions of Hitsugaya-taichou playing soccer. I'm surprised he has time to accomplish his captain's duties with all the hours he spends on the field.

Two thousand, seven hundred and five occurrences of indigestion or poisoning after ingesting a meal cooked by Orihime Inoue. Ha ha, if she's that good at poisoning, I should offer her a position in my lab. We always have open job requisitions for assistants who can administer medication to reluctant subjects.

Four thousand, one hundred eighty-two mentions of the word 'midget' by Kurosaki referring to Kuchiki-fukutaichou. Let me tell you, I have surveillance equipment installed all over the Seireitei and the world of the living and my voice recognition software has not caught a single time Kurosaki called her a midget.

Twelve thousand high school fics. Nine thousand stories where Kurosaki is defeated in battle by a mysterious high school girl from the world of the living… and then falls in love with her. Countless mentions of Gotei 13 captains inexplicably deciding to kiss 'ordinary high school girls' who want to 'help' Soul Society. (But oddly, only 439 stories about me, compared to 8,245 featuring Hitsugaya. Strange…)

By the way, any high school girls who would truly like to help Soul Society by volunteering to assist our scientific endeavors are welcome to come by the Twelfth Division for short, relatively painless, and only slightly invasive experiments. Notify Nemu of your interests and we'll get you set up right away.

Finally, for those of you who have written steamy and explicit scenes which violate fanfiction dot net's content guidelines—you know who you are. I have all your IP addresses right here. Sadly, many of these are even work addresses. Dear, dear. You wouldn't want someone to drop a word in the wrong ear, now, would you? Or send a PM to Critics United, hmm? I didn't think so. Expect a small notice from me in the mail shortly. I accept Paypal.

**Sincerely,**

**Mayuri Kurotsuchi**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** I've loved everyone's recommendations so far and will definitely be using some of them, so look for your ideas to be written up in upcoming chapters. I can always use more suggestions, critique, or encouragement. Thanks!


	4. Sousuke Aizen

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 4 – Sousuke Aizen**

**A/N:** Someone pointed out to me that a drabble is supposed to be 100 words, and all my chapters have been much longer than that. I will try to make them shorter in the future. I'm afraid this one is still too long. Sorry!

In response to the many reviewers who wondered: the numbers in the previous chapter that were written out in words were all made up. The ones written out with digits were true.

Credit goes again to **Flare-Flare** for her helpful review and this comic: flare-flare dot deviantart dot com/gallery/#/d38jez6 which inspired some of the lines in this chapter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/13/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I am not a rapist. I am in prison for treason and murder, not rape. My obsession is with power, not sex.

I manipulated Momo Hinamori into becoming infatuated with me simply because it was prudent to have a second-in-command who would not get suspicious when secret paperwork about illegal experiments with hollows fell out of my pocket or when the architectural diagrams of Las Noches were accidentally left out on my desk.

Orihime Inoue was my kidnapping victim, not my sex toy. See the paragraph above. Simply because she was the first female I was close to that I did not try to slaughter does not mean that I wanted to marry her and make her my Queen. I am immortal and have no desire for heirs.

I would never kidnap random high school girls named Brianna or Megan and force them to have sex with me. Ordinary humans hold no interest for me.

I touched Ichigo's heart during our battle to unnerve and provoke him, not because I am secretly gay and kinky.

I do not have an obsession with Byakuya Kuchiki.

I sang the romantic duet with Gin in the Bleach Musical because Rangiku was unavailable and because I was a nice guy (or at least pretending to be), not because I was in love with him. He was my minion. I knew for a hundred years that he was planning to kill me. I told him the secret weakness of Kyouka Suigetsu on purpose, just so that he would be able to pose a threat to me. I never make mistakes.

If I do, the plot is rearranged so that I do not. I have been controlling… er, have known Tite Kubo since the day he was born.

**Sincerely,**

**Sousuke Aizen**

P.S. Yes, being in prison is part of my plan. You will see. *smirks*

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Hmmm, this one wasn't as funny as Aizen-sama deserves, but meh. Please suggest improvements!

I have drafts of letters by Ulquiorra, Uryuu, and Orihime… please vote for which one you want to see next. (Or make any other suggestions for characters/pairings/ideas!)


	5. Uryuu Ishida

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 5 – Uryuu Ishida**

**A/N:** Thanks to **Yukarin-Soul Reaper** and **Gemini24** for the inspiration for this one!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/15/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Learn to spell and use good grammar.

Why is my interest in couture depicted as such a fixation in every single story? I enjoy fashion and tailoring, but it is only a hobby. It is not my predominant interest.

Additionally, I must protest Mayuri Kurotsuchi's inclusion in this story. Aren't you aware of his past actions, or do you condone genocide? I must insist that chapter 3 be deleted at once.

Further, the first four chapters of this story are all about Shinigami. The Quincy demand equal time. We wish to have one chapter on each of us for every Shinigami chapter. Or… are you a racist?

I could also accept a chapter focused on my sewing skills. Or an advertisement displaying my clothing designs. For example, are you aware that I developed a line of capes featuring eighty-five different variants of the Quincy cross? I would be happy to provide you with the complete set of images. Now, the stitching in the first dozen is…

Ahem. As I said earlier, I am not overly fixated on sewing.

Back to my critique of your annoying and juvenile fantasies.

Your lewd depictions of Orihime Inoue and myself are completely uninteresting and poorly-written. Really. I read far too many of them this weekend and now my glasses hurt.

And I am not sexually interested in Ichigo Kurosaki. He is a Soul Reaper and I am a Quincy.

**Sincerely,**

**Uryuu Ishida**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Let me know if I missed a favorite quirk in any of these characters. I think some of them are going to write second letters. I know Ichigo is champing at the bit to write at least two more.

Ulquiorra is next...


	6. Ulquiorra Cifer

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 6 – Ulquiorra Cifer**

**A/N:** Thanks to the many suggestions from my reviewers **BleachIchi15, Evee9109, SakuraKiss444, Zmijajuri, little1lost, A Self-Deprecating Person, Cerice Belle, squirrelflightbc, ChaoticAscension, Flare-Flare, Avalami, Mchillerwhartz, KawaiiBerry-chan, Eldar-Melda, Phantom reader**, and **Nobody Else Has This Name**, Ulquiorra is the first Espada to be featured here.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/17/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

**Re:** "Pairings" involving me.

This is a pointless letter.

I do not consort with trash. I especially do not disobey Aizen-sama in order to consort with trash.

The only reason to couple with another being would be to reproduce. Hollows do not reproduce sexually.

Grimmjow was my subordinate. If he had attempted a sexual assault upon me I would have destroyed him with a single Cero. Pathetic. End of story. There is no need to write a hundred thousand words on such an inane topic.

If Aizen-sama had wished to engage in unorthodox experimentation, I would have complied, of course. He is my creator and I obey his every wish. However, he has not given me such an order.

Orihime Inoue was my prisoner and Aizen-sama left her under my care. That was our only 'relationship.' The reason I was placed in charge was simple efficiency: Aizen-sama knew that Espadas one to three would not harm her, but Espada number five, Nnoitra, as well as the lower ranking members such as Grimmjow or Szayel, were riff-raff and could not be trusted around her. If he had placed Starrk, Barragan, or Harribel in charge of her, it would have been a waste of a more powerful fighter he could use elsewhere. Therefore, I was merely the logical choice. There was no 'matchmaking' involved.

She was stronger than I expected, and her conversation was less trivial than I had first supposed. It was odd that a mere human could teach me anything. At first I thought she was completely irrational, but then I realized that there was a entirely consistent logic to her actions. She was… interesting.

She was too good for that human trash, Ichigo Kurosaki. It was inefficient for her to waste so much attention and energy on him. When I crushed him and dangled his broken body in front of her, suspended by my tail (and that was not a 'dominance mating display' as some have claimed), she should have immediately acknowledged my superior strength and discarded her _affections _toward him. That she did not was… irritating.

However, all my reactions were based upon logic, not jealousy. It was simply a pity that our conversations were cut short.

**Sincerely,**

**Ulquiorra Cifer**

XxXxXxX

**A/N: **Hmph. Not very funny but maybe he was at least in-character? Although for some reason I always found that scene funny, where he held Ichigo up with his tail in front of Orihime and then acted surprised at her reaction. Meh. Maybe I'm just weird.

Suggestions?


	7. Tatsuki Arisawa

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 7 – ****Tatsuki Arisawa**

**A/N: **Credit for today's chapter goes to **Yukarin-Soul Reaper** who reminded me I hadn't done any girls yet.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/19/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why do you all insist that Orihime is a ditzy idiot whose cooking gives people indigestion? Well, she may be a little ADHD. And her cooking is, umm, creative. But nowhere has it ever been recorded that her food makes people sick! She just uses combinations of ingredients that are atypical in Japan (like butter on sweet potatoes, which I know you Americans actually like, yuck!)

Give me a break, guys!

Or do I have to come to your computer and punch you?

**Sincerely,**

**Tatsuki Arisawa**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Don't worry; I've got drafts of letters from both Orihime and Rukia on my computer. They're coming soon… In the meantime, any other females you'd like to see?


	8. Grimmjow Jaegerjaques

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 8 – Grimmjow Jaegerjaques**

**A/N: **By popular request! Thanks to **Silver Dragon, smylealong, MissxBlackxKat, Archontruth, fire of souls, Jasper's Girl forever, BleachIchi15, HibiscusAngel15, PoisonedApples, Phantom reader, Guest, **and** Rocka. NGW** for ideas used in this letter.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/20/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Huh, bloody killings, vicious attacks, gratuitous cruelty, generally acting like a freakin' asshole?

Actually, I think most of you got me spot on. ;) (Although you kinda overdid it with all the cat stuff. I'm not an Adjuchas anymore, dammit!)

But you gotta write more stories with me smashing that damn shinigami into oblivion instead of fucking him!

Though… you sure make him look kinda pathetic when I've got him slammed against a wall. *psychotic grin* You're givin' me some ideas—now I just might play with him a little before I beat him to death.

And did you notice that I'm the only one of the Espada still alive? Hell, I outlived even that fuckin' bastard Aizen and his two toadying flunkies. An' if that wimp Ulquiorra had done what I said back in the beginning and killed the damn shinigami right at the start, then we woulda won. Fuckin' Aizen thought he was so smart and look what happened to him.

Guess I'm still the King.

**Sincerely,**

**Grimmjow Jaegerjaques**

P.S. And whoever the fuck came up with the name "Grimmkitty" is gonna be freakin' annihilated.

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Yes, he knows that Harribel and Aizen are still alive, but they're both in prison after all. ;)


	9. Orihime Inoue

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 9 – Orihime Inoue**

**A/N: **And the votes are in! The winner is: Orihime. This one is for** Lonewingwriter, **who voted several times, so she got five votes. ;) And **boho, SakuraKiss444, Guest, Bunny153539, Yukarin-Soul Reaper, Archontruth, MorganaCard, Cerice Belle, myangel16, jylener22, AbaraiArekushisu, robin aries, avalami, ****Flare-Flare, **and** HikaKiti.**

**miss quirky bookworm**, wonderful suggestion about commentary from Orihime's fairies, but that will have to wait until Orihime's next letter because this one was getting too long.

For those of you who've been wishing for longer chapters, you've got your wish. For those who want me to keep drabbles to 100 words, I'll try better in the future.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/22/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Eheheh. I just saw your site and, wow. *blushes* I, um, don't really know what to say. I mean, I didn't know you all were so interested in romance among all of us. Because, you know, we think we're busy fighting this big war. Well, it was different wars. First we fought against the Soul Society, and then we found out they were our friends, and Captain Aizen, who used to be their friend, was really our enemy. Then we fought against Hueco Mundo and the Espada, but now it seems that they're our allies too, and there's a new enemy.

Uh, does that sound confusing? What was I talking about, anyway?

Oh! The romance part. Well, I think you should know, um, I mean, I looked at the story listings and I saw that many of the stories about me are also about Kurosaki-kun…

*blushes even more*

But, as I said before, he's actually busy doing really important work saving the world, and doesn't really have time for romance, even if… well, even if it would be really wonderful… *trails off and gets quiet*

*sits down and speaks very fast* I just wanted to say that I read some of your stories about me and Kurosaki-kun, and, well, I cried. Some of them are really sweet. *sighs*

But, ahem, then I looked at some other stories, and uh, some of them are kind of embarrassing.

Really! Why do you think I would date Ulquiorra? He kidnapped me! It's true that he protected me. And he didn't really hurt me. *blushes* Well, there was that part about forcing food down my throat. And then the way he didn't care about my friends dying. *frowns*

But I was mostly sorry for him. I mean, he really didn't understand anything about life. His existence was really grim, there in all those white halls of Las Noches, obeying Aizen's every word, never really thinking about himself or what more there could be in life for him. It was sad. And he said he didn't understand what it meant to have a heart or to feel something for someone else, but then he kept talking to me about it, so I knew that even though he said he didn't care, he really did.

And it was miserable, there at the end. He finally understood just before he died, what it all meant. But it was too late. *sighs*

What was I talking about? Oh! Yeah, but I would never date him. He's a Hollow, you know. He didn't even eat. At one point I was wondering if I could do some cooking in Las Noches and I asked him about how he took nourishment and he—oops, I'm getting off topic again.

Well, I think this letter is getting too long, so… bye!

**Sincerely,**

**Orihime Inoue**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Well, I exaggerated her ADHD a bit there—sorry! *hides*


	10. Yasutora Sado

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 10 – Yasutora Sado**

**A/N**: I loved all the creative suggestions on the last chapter! Expect to see some of them soon. **Lonewingwriter,** you're right that Orihime could have said a lot more, including some great ideas you, **AiiWoKoete, Innocent Freak,** and **smylealong** brought up about her, so it looks like she'll need a second chapter.

For today's chapter, thanks to** rattan **and **sassisan **for the idea.

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/23/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hey. It's me, Chad.

The others said I should write you to complain about how I'm being overlooked or ignored in your stories.

But, it's cool. I don't mind. Even Kubo-sensei makes mistakes with me and my powers. For example, he recently drew me with Brazo_ Izquierda_ del Gigante. It doesn't really matter.

I do miss my cockatiel, though.

**Sincerely,**

**Yasutora Sado**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Yeah, I know. Too short. But Chad is a man of few words, isn't he?


	11. Rukia Kuchiki

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 11 – ****Rukia Kuchiki**

**A/N: **At last! This one is for **Bunny153539, lilyrosa143, HibiscusAngel15, Littlewish123, SakuraKiss444, HikaKiti, Guest, Yukarin-Soul Reaper, Aletheya, boho, nindjo, Innocent Freak, Morgana Card,** **jylener22**, **Silver Dragon, miss quirky bookworm, Element's Sole Protector, ****AiiWoKoete, Cerice Belle, Jasper's Girl forever,** **asia411, **and **rukianoshirayuki**, whose request came in just minutes ago. Thanks for all the requests and ideas!

**Disclaimer: **I don't own _Bleach._ This story was inspired by **Horizons'** Harry Potter story of the same name.

(Originally posted 7/24/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

What's with all the whining and angst? You guys have the chance to really make something of your writing, to fix all the plot holes in Kubo-sensei's story and create some worthwhile works of transformative art. Instead, you spend all your time writing bad love stories between characters that aren't even together in the actual manga!

I should kick some sense into you! *glares*

But you're in luck today, because I've got something more important to discuss, something that deserves a lot more attention and _respect_!

And that is… why is it that just because Ichigo insults my drawing skills, all of you seem to think I am a poor artist? He's the _only_ person who doesn't like my doodles, but somehow it seems to have become a 'known fact' that I can't draw.

Listen, the purpose of those drawings is _to get a point across_. Sometimes a clear picture is worth a thousand words. Putting rabbit ears on the faces I draw makes them more emotional and thus more memorable. It's a well-known trick used by military forces everywhere. When a person is in battle and is afraid for their life, they tend to forget highly reasoned intellectual arguments, but they remember simple images.

You can bet Ichigo never forgets my rabbit drawings, even when he's shaking in his sandals because he's being confronted by a monster ten times his size.

And I know you wanted me to go into an extended rant about all the people I seem to be matched with in your pitiful little fantasies, but tough. I don't have time for that. Let's leave it at this: Ichigo is my _friend_, as are Renji and Orihime. Nii-sama is my _brother_. Kaien Shiba was _married_.

Finally, I'll just say one thing about all your stupid "shipping wars": Get over it!

And how come I seem to have become the world's expert on zombies lately? What's with that?

**Sincerely,**

**Rukia Kuchiki**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** I really loved your ideas and comments last chapter—very inspiring! All your reviews have given me a second wind with this story and I've been feeling eager to write lately, so please keep those requests and ideas coming.

And in upcoming chapters I'm going to be focusing on a few common clichés, so if you can think of any fanfic pet peeves, overused situations, or silliness that you'd like to see, please let me know.

**EDIT (SPOILER):** The zombie reference only makes sense if you've read chapter 501, which just came out last week. Ever since that panel, there's been something of a meme on _Bleach_ fansites about zombie Rukia. I'm sorry, I'm such a crazed _Bleach_ fanatic that I read the manga chapters the very instant they're available and scour all the fansites, and I was kind of assuming that all my readers were doing the same. My apologies for assuming that everyone else doesn't have a life. :D


	12. Mary Sues

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 12 – ****Mary Sues**

**A/N: **Thanks to **ChaoticAscension** for this one, for the idea and for writing four reviews all in a row last night. I have a special place in my heart for people who review every chapter, even if they've had to miss a few due to that pesky RL.

I also want to give credit to **HikaKiti, boho** and **smylealong** for requesting OCs. Thanks!

**Disclaimer:** I am not poking fun at any specific fanfics in this story (except my own), and I made the one below up out of whole cloth, so if you happened to write a story with an OC named 'Megan', I apologize... it's not intended against you (I don't actually know of any OCs named Megan).

(Originally posted 7/26/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Stop writing stories of us with Mary Sues. It's irritating to have to read long descriptions of their clothes, followed by details of their extraordinarily powerful bankais (which they somehow manage to use in the very first chapter) complete with misspelled footnotes and a 'Japanese' name from Google Translate. And isn't it odd that these girls all somehow have the same hair and eye color as their author?

The worst part is when the author decides it would be fun to start (and sometimes even end) every single chapter with a 'conversation' between them and their OC. *bangs head against wall*

Oh, and 'Megan' is not a Japanese name.

_**Author**__: It's me again with another story about Megan!_

_**Megan**__: Oh, I know everyone will be thrilled to read another two hundred thousand words about how perfect I am._

_**Author**__: Yeah, it's just so much fun writing about you. And since I love Toshiro so much, it's amazing how hard he's fallen for you! *giggles*_

_**Megan**__: *smirks* Of course. After the way I saved the Gotei 13 single-handedly last time in your story, how could he help but love me?_

_**Author**__: And the way you're beautiful as well as powerful? I think that just makes you more appealing. Do you think anyone will guess that you're really me, or actually me the way I wish I could be?_

_**Megan**__: No, and I'm sure they'll all love me as much as you do!_

_**Author**__: OK, Readers, this has been fun, but I know you're all excited to get on to the story, so, without further ado, here it is! Drum roll!_

_**Summary:**__ Who is the beautiful new captain in Soul Society? She is only a high school girl who happened to like Bleach. But she somehow found herself caught up in her favorite manga. It turns out she is the only person immune to Kyouka Suigetsu! The girl genius graduated from the Shinigami Academy in two days. Read and find out how Megan saves the Soul Society while trying to decide between Ichigo, Toshiro, and Grimmjow! Which one of these handsome guys will get lucky?_

*facedesk*

**Sincerely,**

**The entire Bleach cast**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Any more fave clichés you'd like to see debunked?


	13. Momo Hinamori

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 13 – ****Momo Hinamori**

**A/N: **I'm glad you liked the last chapter, **Megan**! ;)

For today's chapter, thanks to **AtheGDiamond** and **MaxInu23**, whose ideas (AUs and Momo) combined in a blinding flash in my brain, as it occurred to me what Momo might say if she were complaining about AUs, and I just couldn't resist writing this…

Thanks also to **lilyrosa143** and **miss quirky bookworm** for suggesting Momo.

(Originally posted 7/27/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I decided to browse your stories, and what I don't get are all these 'AU' fanfictions. I mean really. Aizen-taichou as an 18-year-old high school gang leader? What could be more ridiculous? Unless it's the Aizen-as-pirate-captain 18th century romance. *rolls eyes* You can't get more clichéd than that! And why would Aizen-taichou ever fall in love with a high school girl? Some author must have arrested emotional development!

Somebody even wrote about Aizen-taichou as a six-year-old boy in the United States. Please!

And he's not a corporate executive, either, or a Yakuza. Frankly, it's offensive. He's an officer of the Gotei 13, and deserves respect, at the very least for the hundred years he served Soul Society faithfully. No matter what they say he might have done more recently.

They say _I _have an Aizen obsession, but it's clear that some of you fanfiction writers are far worse.

**Sincerely,**

**Momo Hinamori**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Is updating daily too often? I notice some people said they were missing chapters. I can delay and only publish every other day if that's preferable (or even twice weekly if that's better).


	14. Shinji Hirako

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 14 – ****Shinji Hirako**

**A/N: **Thanks to** A Self-Deprecating Person **for being such a faithful and immediate reviewer on all the chapters of this story! They requested one of the Vizards. So… here is a letter from Shinji. Thanks also to **Zmijajuri** for their suggestion of this pairing, and **blackgetsuga** for requesting Shinji as well.

(Originally posted 7/28/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Okay, I don't really care 'bout most of the stupid yaoi pairings on your site. Do whatever floats yer boat.

But there's one that really ticks me off.

It's Aizen! Why would I be paired with that guy?

I knew from the beginnin' that he was hiding somethin', that he wasn't trustworthy. Remember, I deliberately didn't let him get close for that reason. He was always sneakin' around, bein' creepy. Hey, if you caught somebody slinking around spyin' on all yer conversations, would ya then turn around an' say, "Oooh, I love ya, Sousuke, let's do it like rabbits on the floor?"

Even more important, I'm a cool and hip guy, but he's got a stick up his ass! His fashion sense is hella lackin'. He doesn't even listen to jazz. We're obviously oil and water.

The final straw was when he cut my hair while I was sleepin'! That did it for him in the relationship department.

Besides, he doesn't pack the same wallop in his kick that Hiyori does.

**Sincerely,**

**Shinji Hirako**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** I got many votes for daily updates, a few for every other day, a few for 2-3 times a week, and one for once a week. And a few saying, "Put in the time to write quality chapters."

So I'll update daily if I have material, but won't hold myself to a deadline. I'll just publish when I feel inspired.

**EDIT:** To answer a question in one of the reviews, Aizen cut Shinji's hair in one of the omakes. Thanks to** Innocent Freak, Soul Crisis**, and **redrocket8800** for pointing out that it was the omake after episode 279.


	15. Don Kanonji

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 15 – ****Don Kanonji**

(Originally posted 7/30/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Bohahahaha! Spirits are ALLLLLLWAYS with you!

Don Kanonji here with another great episode of my famous TV show, _Ghost Bust Meets Fanfiction Dot Net!_

Sorry to keep all my viewers waiting! But relax, baby! I hear you have a large collection of stories about _Bleach_ characters on this site and that I need to go through all of the ones about me and exorcise them! Bohahahaha!

Also, _*shakes finger* _I'm told I'll have to chastise you for pairing me up with all sorts of luscious _Bleach_ females that I have no actual contact with in the series. Now, we can't have that happening, can we? I rushed right over to make sure that all of you authors were behaving yourselves! I certainly wouldn't like to read anything like that!

Let me see, I'll just look up fanfiction dot net on my handy-dandy Kan'puter right here…. Aaaaand… aaaaaand… waiting for the thousands of stories to come up and…

What?

_What?_

No, there must be some mistake! It's not possible that Don Kanonji, everyone's Don Kanonji, watched by twenty-five percent of all Japanese children…

… could only have one – _ONE!_ – story on this entire site!

Something must be wrong here. Smells like bad spirits! My Super Spirit Stick, inserted into the fanfiction dot net server, will fix this trick! _*bzzzzz bzzz bzzzzzzzzzz*_

Looks like the system has just gone down! Now everyone has exactly the same number of stories… zero! Bohahahahaha!

**Sincerely,**

**Don Kanonji**

XxXxXxX

**A/N: **Someone reviewed and gave me this idea by pointing out that Don Kanonji had only one story on FFnet… but unfortunately I can't find their review. If that's you, please drop me a note so I can give you credit.

Also, I have a problem. I'm trying to write Ichigo's inner Hollow, and he's not being very funny. He just keeps threatening Ichigo and talking about instinct.

I've also tried writing Rangiku, but she keeps getting drunk and berating Gin.

Help?


	16. Shinigami Women's Association

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 16 – ****Shinigami Women's Association**

**A/N: **Thanks to **cocoLily** for the idea that characters should offer advice to fanfiction writers and to **Avalami** for suggesting the Shinigami Women's Association should write a letter.

(Originally posted 7/31/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Tired of pouring your heart and soul into your writing only to get almost no readers and even fewer reviews? Could your summary be the problem? It might be failing to attract droves of readers to your brilliant story! Well, your troubles are now over!

The Shinigami Women's Association has recently discovered your site, and we would like to help you with some educational tips. For our first lesson, we address the six most common errors found in fanfiction summaries that lead to readers ignoring your stories.

Our highly trained editors will demonstrate how to craft a devastatingly effective fanfiction summary that will leave your readers panting for more of your luscious prose. We'll start with some sample summaries and our gracious blackmail victims… er, volunteers… will rewrite them to make them compelling, sexy, and magnetic to draw in those readers!

**Lesson 1. How to Write A Better Fanfiction Summary**

_**Original Summary 1:**_

_Brianna Walters is a shingami in Soul Soecity who meets Ichgo. They fall in love. Songfic. May be OOC but give it a try! Sumery sucks but its better than it sounds, promise! R&R plz! Dont like, dont read! This is my first fic, plz review!_

**Rewritten version:**

A young lieutenant in Soul Society falls for her captain, a tall, dark, handsome man with glasses. They fall in love and live happily ever after. Definitely not OOC! –_Momo Hinamori_

_**Original Summary 2:**_

_I'm Lucinda, new 3rd seat of the 10__th__ division, my best frind is Rukia Kuchki, and captins Icihgo and Histugaya are in love with me! What am I gonna do? Read to find out wat hapens! If I dont get 50 reviws, I wont write chapter 2 so REVIEW!_

**Rewritten version:**

This is a story about Lady Yoruichi Shihoin. Review or you will be attacked. And your comment better be positive. –_Captain Soi Fon_

_**Original Summary 3:**_

_Just a RP my freind and I madeup last night when we were drunk. It only took 30 min to write so dont expet it to be good. Ichgo kills Azien and becomes the only surviving espada. Everbody is dead except for Ichgo. Then Grimjaww shows up and wat do u think happens? Yaoi._

**Rewritten version:**

Grimmjow kills everybody. –_Grimmjow Jaegerjaques_

XxXxXxX

And there you have it – your key to fanfiction writing success! Did you figure out the six common errors demonstrated by our sample summaries? And did you note how our skilled editors avoided those errors?

Find out more details in our auxiliary lesson, available for a small fee (or a small box of candy) right here on this site! (Bonus: find out how we got Grimmjow to help!)

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Any ideas for Lesson 2? Or vote for your fave character to roast!

Thanks to **Amaterasu Ai** for the reminder today - HAPPY BIRTHDAY GRIMMJOW!

And thanks for all your comments, my main source of inspiration.


	17. Soi Fon

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 17 – ****Soi Fon**

**A/N: **Thanks to **A Self-Deprecating Person, Aletheya, AiiWoKoete, lilyrosa143, Yukarin-Soul Reaper, boho, little1lost**, and **Hara156** for asking for this one.

(Originally posted 8/1/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

This site, and its blatant disrespect for high-ranking shinigami and members of the 13 Court Guard Squads, has recently come to the attention of the Secret Mobile Corps. Rest assured, we shall not be idle. Expect your ISP to be slapped with an injunction shortly, and if that does not work, we have a missile aimed precisely at your server farm.

**Sincerely,**

**Captain Soi Fon**

P.S. I do not have an unhealthy obsession with Lady Yoruichi Shihoin. She is merely deserving of everyone's respect and admiration.

P.P.S. The stories where my bedroom is filled with stuffed black kitty toys are the first ones marked for deletion. And I have records of your IP addresses.

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** I know this was short, but I have a second Soi Fon letter coming up soon. You'll see why shortly.

Loved the ideas for SWA lessons! More ideas are very welcome. Sometimes inspiration strikes from combining two or more ideas, so all your comments are very helpful.


	18. Yoruichi Shihoin

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 18 – ****Yoruichi Shihoin**

**A/N: **This chapter is especially for **nindjo** who submitted five votes for Yoruichi and gave me some terrific ideas, and also for **Nila101, lilyrosa143, Cerice Belle, Yukarin-Soul Reaper, Kotaru, jylener22, Soul Crisis**, and **sassisan**.

(Originally posted 8/2/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Soi Fon,**

Relax! There's nothing wrong with a little good-natured humor at everyone's expense. Personally, I found this fanfiction site, and the letters, hilarious. Now, chill out! Go check up on the security at Muken. I heard there has been a lapse in security due to the Vandenreich attack, especially in the vicinity of Aizen's cell.

Let's stay focused on our priorities. And what's wrong with stuffed kitty toys?

Although… don't let Kisuke see this site. He's enough of an old perv as it is. I shudder to think about the kind of ideas it could give him. Of course, I know all about your feelings for him, Soi Fon, after that love letter you sent him, but you really need to learn what kind of a person he is.

**Sincerely,**

**Yoruichi Shihoin**

P.S. Psst—Fanfiction Authors— I'd like to see more fics about me turning into a cat, or from a cat into a naked woman in front of clueless guys. There aren't nearly enough of those.

Oh, and make sure they're _hot _clueless guys.

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** The next letter is from Soi Fon, but I would still like votes for the one after that.

Oh, and sorry. The comment about a lapse in security is non-canon. I have a little running gag going on that I was planning to develop in the next few chapters. But perhaps I should avoid that. What do you think? Should I delete all non-canon references here? (I still promise no non-canon pairings, no matter what.)


	19. Soi Fon 2

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 19 – ****Soi Fon 2**

**A/N: **Thanks to **A Self-Deprecating Person, Aletheya, AiiWoKoete, lilyrosa143, Yukarin-Soul Reaper, boho, little1lost**, and **Hara156** for asking for Soi Fon.

And credit goes to **AtheGDiamond** for an idea used in this letter.

(Originally posted 8/3/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

You have been granted a reprieve from a merciful deity. But rest assured, I will be watching you and if you put one foot out of line, expect oblivion.

Further, if I read one more line about my sense of humor or lack thereof, the story author will be sent directly to the Maggot's Nest.

Given our new (reluctant) stance of leniency toward your pernicious website, I recently noted that somebody hacked fanfiction dot net and wrote "Death to Yaoi" in a font simulating bloodstains on the front page. And when I examined the story pages, I observed that somebody hacked all the Aizen fics and did a global replace on all the names paired with the traitor. I now count 1,952 stories featuring Aizen x Hinamori.

I am puzzled. Who could possibly have done this?

Not that I am in favor of your scandalous website, but I am against criminal activity of any kind. When I find the perpetrator of this heinous felony, he or she will be tried by a full tribunal of the Secret Mobile Corps. Please send any tips (anonymously if you wish) to yoruichiloveslave at soulsociety dot net.

**Sincerely,**

**Captain Soi Fon**

P.S. Lady Yoruichi, I do not have _feelings_ for that incompetent Kisuke Urahara and I never sent him a _love_ letter! *furious scowl* That was a list of all the ways he was goofing off so you would see why he was unworthy to be a captain!

P.P.S. It's not that I don't like stuffed black kitty toys, but that huge pile of them distracted me from my job. Why is the door to Sousuke Aizen's cell hanging open?

P.P.P.S. Wait a minute. I just re-read my letter. Did somebody hack my email address? It's really buzzingbeeloveskittykat at soulsociety dot net.

P.P.P.P.S. Who is hacking my letter and replacing my email address with seditious, lying names? You will die.

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** I'm thinking about cross-connecting more of these letters like in this series of 3. Let me know if you think it's a bad idea and I'll go back to the unconnected ones.

The reference to Soi Fon's "love letter" for Urahara is canon. In the Turn Back the Pendulum arc, when Yoruichi was going to recommend Urahara for captain, Soi Fon thought he was incompetent, and she followed him around for a day writing down all the things he did to goof off. When she showed the list as evidence, Yoruichi said that it must have been a love letter to Urahara, infuriating Soi Fon.

So… who do you think hacked the website? ;) And Soi Fon's letter?


	20. Yaoi

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 20 – ****Yaoi**

**A/N:** This is for **imran102, squirrelflightbc**, and **capuch** for requesting this topic.

(Originally posted 8/4/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

We got together to write to you and express our outrage.

Only ten percent of the male population is gay. Why are forty-five percent of the fanfictions on your site about us having gay sex with each other? It's disgusting.

The worst part is that it seems to be so popular. WTF!? We don't get it. As straight men (mostly), we don't like yaoi, and why would women like it, since they're not even involved?

We have decided upon a knowledgeable spokesman who can discuss this issue with the gravity it deserves.

**Sincerely,**

**All the Bleach men**

_*sounds of a scuffle*_

_*Isshin is shoved forward, protesting*_

**Isshin:** I'm not the right spokesman! I'm so manly and strong. I couldn't possibly be anything other than completely masculine. _*points a finger at Mayuri*_ Don't you have all the data on this topic? You can talk to them. *_sotto voce* _Plus, with all that makeup, you're a good candidate…

**Mayuri:**_ *rustles a sheet of paper*_ Based on the data, we need to utilize the appropriate expert for this discussion. According to the pairing filter on this site, Grimmjow is the most popular yaoi match, with the most prevalent so-called uke being— _*Isshin claps his hand over Mayuri's mouth*_

**Grimmjow:** What the fuck? No way. _*grabs Yumichika by the back of his flowered yukata and shoves him forward*_ Use this loser as your freakin' spokesman.

**Yumichika:** Why do you assume that just because I have a refined aesthetic sensibility and am heart-stoppingly beautiful, that I must be a homosexual? Now I believe we should talk about the art of comeliness and beauty, its allure and practice— _*Grimmjow drop-kicks him out of the room in disgust*_

_*All the men see someone else approaching and run away.*_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Sorry, I'm behind on replying to reviews because my wrists have been hurting from using the keyboard too much. But I'm reading and loving every one of your reviews and comments; please keep them coming!

I'm glad you liked the last little series of 3 letters. I have a couple more of those planned. And thanks for your guesses about who hacked the website and Soi Fon's letter. You'll find out who did it soon.


	21. Yuri: Chizuru Honshou

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 21 – Yuri – Chizuru Honshou**

**A/N:** Thanks for your great guesses on who hacked the site and Soi Fon's letter! I have to say that at least a couple of the guesses were correct, but I'm not saying whose yet. :D Answers coming soon!

This one is for **jylener22**, with thanks for being one of my most supportive and consistent reviewers, with multiple votes for Chizuru. And for **asia411 **and **Devil'sEyeAlchemist13** for requesting a letter on yuri. (Sorry, **Gemini24**, for misunderstanding your request.)

(Originally posted 8/5/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_*marches onto the set glaring at the departing men*_

What's with all the focus on gay men? It's discrimination! There are just as many lesbians as gay men out there and yet only two percent of your fanfictions feature yuri. Seriously, what's wrong with you? Newsflash, people: women are far more attractive than men.

Although I'm pleased that most of your stories about me involve yuri with me and some of the hottest _Bleach _girls, I was disgusted to see that a few of you fell into the typical patriarchal trap of assuming that all a lesbian needs is to find the right guy. Honestly! Why would I go for that clueless oaf Ichigo when Orihime's always hanging around near him? I mean, in the looks department, tell me who wins. Does Ichigo have luscious, soft, dreamy breasts? _*sighs wistfully* _

Or that kid Toshiro? Why would I fall for him? He's always bitchy and angry. Heck, if I wanted bitchy and angry, Tatsuki's got oodles more sex appeal. Have you seen her muscles flex when she punches you? _*lustful smirk*_

Personally, I think it's just a bunch of straight women imposing your perverted fantasies on honest lesbians like myself.

Of course… remember, like it says in the song: any woman can be a lesbian. _*grins*_

Heh heh, I know most of you fanfiction writers are girls. If you need any tips on how to write about girls in… intimate relationships, I'd be happy to show you. _*leers*_

Hey! You know what? After the great response they got to their first lesson, I think I'm gonna talk to the Shinigami Women's Association about this. Girl Power! _*pumps fist in the air*_ We'll get another lesson up and we're gonna change things on fanfiction dot net! We're gonna teach you girls what's best for you. _*winks as she marches off*_

**Sincerely,**

**Chizuru Honshou**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Thanks for the great comments and ideas, everyone! I've really been enjoying reading them.


	22. Tite Kubo

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 22 – Tite Kubo**

**A/N:** Eh, we have a slight publication delay for your most-voted-for character, as orders came from on high to pre-empt the regular chapter with this one…

This chapter is for my beloved **Rocka NGW** with thanks for the suggestion, and with apologies to Kubo-sensei.

(Originally posted 8/6/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**,

I'm pleased to see so many of you taking a page out of my book and leaving stories unfinished. You writers, at least, know how hard it is to complete a story. It's _so_ much easier to leave those plot hints and ship teases all over than to actually develop them into a coherent whole. You understand, don't you? _*puppy eyes*_ (I know, who ever heard of a 17-year-old boy with no interest in girls (or even boys)? But if I make Ichigo officially fall for either Rukia or Orihime I'll lose half my fanbase, and we wouldn't want that to happen, now would we?)

But what makes me one of a kind, and why I'm a millionaire while you're all losers with no life and dead-end jobs, is my _completely original _way to delay completing my plot arc. Every time I run out of plot ideas, I develop a raft of new characters. Pretty clever, huh? Even though I'm famous for that trick, my work is still one of the top-selling mangas in Japan. (Psst, I'll tell you the secret of my success: always leave your readers craving more. Never satisfy them. Then they'll keep coming back and buying your product. If you ever answer their questions, they might stop reading. Heh heh heh. Pretty evil, huh? No wonder I dreamed up one of the greatest fictional villains ever created.)

Hey, don't complain; other great artists have had similar issues. Monty Python never knew how to finish a skit, so they usually ended up blowing everything up. Politicians can't imagine how to come up with a bold agenda, so they pick a new running mate. For me, I'm hoping that one of my illnesses will turn fatal, or Shonen Jump will cancel my strip. Then everyone will say, "What a shame it was that _Bleach_ got cancelled. It had such brilliant promise."

And it won't reflect badly on me at all. They will all say, "If only Kubo-sensei had a chance to reach his true potential, everyone would have seen he was a genius."

_*sighs*_

But don't rest on your laurels too soon, comparing yourself to me. I notice that none of you have reached unfinished stories of 500+ chapters in length. _*pumps fist in air*_ Yes! I'm still the biggest troll of them all.

_*ahem*_

Eheheh, don't forget to support the manga, now!

**Sincerely,**

**Tite Kubo**

P.S. For some reason, I seem to have forgotten how to draw Aizen. Could it be Kyouka Suigetsu? Oh! Maybe that's why I've lost all my plot bunnies! Aizen-sama! Where are you? Come back and attack Ichigo or something. Or taunt Urahara or Shinji! At least tell me what to do like you always used to!

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Don't hit me! I still love Kubo and his work! This is parody, remember? _*hides*_


	23. Gin Ichimaru

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 23 – Gin Ichimaru**

**A/N:** At last, by popular request! This extra-long chapter is for **SakuraKiss444, Cerice Belle, ChaoticAscension, HikaKiti, HibiscusAngel15, RedRumYaoi, rattan, boho, MaxInu23, Evee9109, Jasper's Girl forever, MissSilverfox666, CelestialxXxAngel, Devil'sEyeAlchemist13, robin aries, Senka Hitomi, Spider ShadowHeart, Tazski, **and** Ri-Chan2012. **Please let me know if you like it.

(Originally posted 8/8/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

My, my, my, this is an interestin' site ya got here.

I bet y'all thought I was dead. Can't imagine why. How many times have I tricked ya before?

Did'ja notice that ya never actually saw me get a funeral? Rangiku never actually_ said_ I was dead. _*grins*_ It ain't over till it's over.

An' speaking of it bein' over, don' be so sure everythin' in the manga is as it seems. Kubo-sensei is a tricky bastard. He musta been takin' lessons from Aizen-taichou.

I'm not too shocked at all the folks y'all seem to like pairin' me up with. But somehow I'm always such a _nasty_ guy in yer stories. Now, is that nice? Remember, I did it all for Rangiku, so I can't be _all_ bad. ;)

Lessee now… ya matched me up with Rukia when all I did was play a little bit with her right before her execution. So it was a bit sadistic, ne. _*shrugs*_ It doesn't mean there was anythin' more to it. So what if it was fun watchin' her squirm like snakes were stranglin' her every time I talked with her brother. Ya don' think she would take me into her bed for hot, messy sex after all that, do you? Does she look like the kinda person who would bring snakes into her love life? _*note to self: interesting idea for later*_

There seem to be a lotta stories pairin' me and Aizen. Well, I s'pose I knew that would be suspected back when I planned to follow him and set him up. But how would he ever have had time for world domination if he was spendin' all those nights in bed with me? Relationships take time an' effort, ya know? Does Aizen look like a man who would waste time on romance when there's all those books to be read? D'ya know how many hours it takes to hide the evidence yer doin' human experimentation? Not ta mention how time-consumin' it is to implant glowing blue diamonds in yer chest. An' don' even get me started on the weeks spent arguing with architects over cost overruns for Las Noches.

Oh wait. I forgot this is fanfiction dot net. All Aizen ever does in yer stories is have sex with everybody an' his dog. Er, fox. (Or was it panther?)

Preferably on his throne.

An' oh yeah. The only reason he takes prisoners is so he can hump 'em in his private chambers late at night when no one's lookin'. An' he made all those Arrancar just to have more sex toys. Nothin' to do with strategy or the war. _*rolls eyes*_

If he was the kind of man y'all said he was, all his brilliant plans would never have succeeded.

Oops. _*grins*_

An' this is the most bizarre match of all: Ichigo's inner hollow an' me. Wow. How would that even be possible? Somehow I don' think Ichigo would be too happy about the threesome.

Ya should know by now that Rangiku was always the only one for me. Sorry, Ran.

Well, enough of that.

I'm surprised all of ya ain't figured out who's been doin' some hackin'. I'll give ya a coupla clues. First, it's not one but two people. Ya can tell by lookin' at their motivations. First, there's only one person who ever thought Aizen an' Hinamori should be a couple. Second, who thinks Soi Fon is a boring stick-in-the-mud who spends too much time followin' the stupid rules?

Well, on second thought, there's lotsa people who think that.

An' as to Aizen escapin'? Now, that ain't possible, is it. If ya look in his cell, all five of yer senses would tell ya that he's still bound to that chair. Ya wouldn't deny the evidence of yer own senses, now, would ya? _*grins*_

I didn't think so.

**Bye bye!**

**Gin Ichimaru**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Was this chapter too long? (I know I went waaaaay beyond 100 words here.)


	24. Rangiku Matsumoto

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 24 – Rangiku Matsumoto**

**A/N:** Well, the letter from Byakuya was originally scheduled for today, but thanks to the amazing ideas from anonymous reviewer **D** yesterday, I got all inspired for Rangiku… and Byakuya graciously consented to allow Rangiku to go next so that she could follow Gin. ;)

Thanks to **miss quirky bookworm, Cerice Belle**, **HibiscusAngel15, Nila101, SakuraKiss444, MidnightTigerLily, AiiWoKoete, lilyrosa143, Rocka NGW, boho, rukianoshirayuki, rattan, jylener22, Flare-Flare, yamini, HikaKiti, Scaevola2, Aletheya, RyokoRyukestu, Gemini24, nindjo, TruthsLies, Tazski, **and** D **for suggestions and/or ideas used in this letter…

With a special thanks to **SakuraKiss444** for multiple votes for Rangiku, and to **D** for all the inspirational Rangiku ideas!

**NOTE** **to anonymous reviewer D**: Wow, thanks for all the amazing suggestions! Rangiku was a bit further down the list but your ideas really sparked my muse yesterday.

(Originally posted 8/9/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Hey. Whass with all those stories of yers sayin' I'm drunk alla time? _-hic-_

I'm not drunk ALL the time. _*pulls self together*_

And it's ridigu- rid- ridiculous that you pair me with my captain. He's just a kid! Plus, he's way too serious for me. Gives me WAAAAY too much work. Honestly, have you seen all the paperwork he dumps on me? I hardly have enough time for the important things like doing my nails and going shopping every day.

It's totally unfair how he won't let me drink sake at work. I mean, how else am I gonna get through another tough day? You'd drink too if you had a zan- zanpak- sword that's as big a brat as mine is.

And I see you got a letter from the Shinigami Women's Association. They're mean to me too! The photos I took of Izuru and Shuuhei got censored from their trading card collection. Just because they were drunk and naked! Honestly. TOTALLY UNFAIR.

Hey, just because I have drunk naked pics of Izuru and Shuuhei does NOT mean I'm in a relationship with either of them. Izuru and I were just bonding over our shared love. Er, loss. _*sniffs*_ That's right. An' all I did was ask Shuuhei about that 69 on his cheek one night at the bar and BOOM.

But nothing happened! I swear it!

Plus, those ladies in the SWA won't let me give another lecture about how to look hot in uniform. _*pouts*_ I think they're just jealous.

Yeah, pairing me with my captain – wow, would I ever get punished for that. It's a silly idea and I have no idea how you came up with it. If we were sleeping together, don't you think he'd stop ragging on me about getting my work done? He'd let me slack! _*eyes widen*_ Heyyy, maybe it's not such a bad idea.

On second thought, then he'd NEVER allow me to drink sake. Not even after work. OK, forget that idea!

And someone told me that one of you might have seen Gin recently.

If y'have, can you give him a message? Ask him why he followed Aizen for a goddamn century, just so that he could try to kill him at the very last minute! I mean, that's stupid! Gin, you were supposed to be a genius. It just doesn't make sense!

You know, if you were trying to stop Aizen, why didn't you just leave an anonymous note in Captain-commander Yamamoto's suggestion box? Saying, hey, Aizen-taichou is secretly planning to overthrow Soul Society and murder the Central 46. Why don't you set the Secret Mobile Corps to tail him the next time he decides to go to the permit department for an Environmental Impact Report for Las Noches or put a trace on his computer when he orders lab supplies online from HumanExperiments-R-Us dot com?

Gin? Are you still there? Gin?

I miss you, Gin.

**Sincerely,**

**Rangiku Matsumoto**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Sorry about the ending there. She was a bit of a sloppy drunk and got away from me… Plus it is one of the few canon pairings so I figured you'd forgive me this once.


	25. Byakuya Kuchiki

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 25 – Byakuya Kuchiki**

**A/N:** By request of **lilyrosa143, Guest, myangel16, BleachIchi15, Leukonoe, Archontruth, RedRumYaoi, Innocent Freak, TruthsLies, sassisan, smylealong, asia411, sbdrag, HikaKiti, Element's Sole Protector, Flare-Flare, Morgana Card, HibiscusAngel15, Soul Crisis, absoluteotaku, Cerice Belle, robin aries, TheAmaryllisBlossom, Kuchiki-koo, kenblaze, aeva elementia, willam and jack and jake, **and** Spider ShadowHeart**—thanks for your requests and ideas!

Special thanks to **Rocka NGW** for ideas used in this letter.

**Warning:** Spoilers in this chapter if you haven't read manga chapter 502.

(Originally posted 8/10/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

It is time to address some of the improper and repellent claims on your website concerning certain members of the noble clans of the Seireitei.

First, let me assure you that the rumors of my death have been greatly exaggerated. It is beneath the dignity of a noble of the Kuchiki clan to die. People with our degree of wealth and status never pass away. I never travel without my personal coterie of healers who can resurrect me instantly in the event of injury.

As to your so-called 'pairings':

I do not sleep with my sister. It is irrelevant that she is adopted or that she resembles my wife Hisana.

I would never make Lieutenant Abarai pregnant. Indeed, aren't you aware that studies show that most couples are roughly equal in intelligence?

And seriously, Ichigo Kurosaki? The boy needs to learn the meaning of respect and the proper way to address his betters. There is no way he would ever be accepted into a liaison with a noble. That includes my sister.

Indeed, it is all quite undignified and unbecoming.

Not that I would honor your plebeian site by perusing it, but its major problem is that the Seaweed Ambassador does not have its own page of fanfiction. It is not even listed in the character dropdown. Shameful.

If you ask how I know all this when reading your site is beneath me? Nobles of the Kuchiki clan don't read websites. We have people for that.

And why is the Secret Mobile Corps sniffing around the Kuchiki Manor, threatening to arrest me for 'illegal downloads of contraband material' from your site? Could it have something to do with the unauthorized Shinigami Women's Association broadband link I recently discovered on my property and annihilated with Senbonzakura?

If you are in any way involved with that, expect a call from my team of solicitors shortly.

**Sincerely,**

**Byakuya Kuchiki**

XxXxXxX

**A/N: **Yes, I know that underneath he's not so haughty. But don't you think he would sound this way in his first letter to strangers? Kubo, please don't kill off one of your best characters! *sobs*

Thanks to everyone for all your awesome reviews and comments! Yes, I do respond to all signed reviews, although sometimes it may take me a few days, especially lately, since my wrists have been hurting. I read every single review, sometimes multiple times, and I find they often inspire me to write. I love all comments, short or long, positive or negative; they are all helpful to me in some way. You can also review anonymously, but if you wish a response, please leave some way for me to contact you in your comment.


	26. Ichigo Kurosaki 2 and Hollow

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 26 – Ichigo Kurosaki 2**

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone for being so supportive! I apologize for not thanking everyone individually.

However, **Scaevola2, HibiscusAngel15, and Rocka NGW** deserve special thanks for their very helpful ideas for this chapter.

(Originally posted 8/12/12.)

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

What is this? You think I would… do _that_… with my inner Hollow? WTF?! _*sputters*_

—_Did you call, King? Hahahahaha! *psychotic laugh echoing*_

You guys are sick. Just sick.

And I would never dignify him with a name. What's with all this Shiro, Shirosaki… _Hichigo_? Heck, I just wish he would go away.

And… what is a doujinshi?

No, forget I asked. I don't want to know!

—_Mmmm, I had a __**good **__time reading many of those stories… Especially since King was so offended that his control slipped and I was able to take over his body to write this letter. _

_So, authors, we got a few minutes here, and let me tell you that I'd like you to write more about me getting it on with all the beautiful Bleach ladies. That's what it's all about, right? Those__** instincts**__ that he'd secretly like to act on but is too much of a wuss to do it. Though he is right about one thing… I have no name._

_But shut the hell up about me having sex with King. How the fuck would that even work, seeing as we're the same person, idiots? And as to these 'yaoi pairings,' let me tell ya: He's not gay. Believe me, I would know. And there's no way in hell I'm allowing __**my **__body to get it up the tailpipe!_

_*Yawn* It's really boring in here, stuck inside of King, unable to make him do what he __**really **__wants to do. *psychotic grin* Maybe you could help me there… we could make this site a LOT more fun… come a little closer and I'll whisper in your ear…_

**Getsuga Tenshou!**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** I'm still not really happy with this one, but both of them kept pounding on me until I published it.

Thanks again to those who are reviewing. Especially to those of you who are going back to previous chapters you missed and commenting on them! You guys rock! *hugs*


	27. Renji Abarai

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 27 – Renji Abarai**

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone for your requests, suggestions, and ideas! You know who you are… ;)

Special thanks to **TruthsLies** for ideas used in this letter.

(Originally posted 8/14/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why do I always get stuck with Mary Sues who achieve bankai in the first chapter? Especially since they spend most of said chapter insulting and attacking me before we end up in bed in the second chapter. And don't forget the obligatory sex scene mentioning my tattoos and how far down they go. _*facepalm*_

And, uh, could you stop with the matchups with Rukia? I really, really don't want her mad at me. Have you ever seen her right hook?

Hey, do I look like I need a steady girlfriend? I'm busy training to defeat Aizen and the Vandenreich. Or didn't you notice there's a war on? Seriously, you girls need to get your pens—or computers—out of the gutter.

Those stories with me and Ichigo are just … bizarre. You know, we're only good friends. Honestly, just looking at the number of stories on here where either Ichigo or I end up preggo makes me wonder about your sanity. Uh, excuse me? Last I checked, guys can't get knocked up. Not biologically possible, ladies.

I'm not even gonna talk about all those stories hooking up me and my captain. _*looks around nervously*_ Do I look like I want to get shredded by Senbonzakura?

**Sincerely,**

**Renji Abarai**

P.S. Uh, hey, by the way, I heard there's a place in the world of the living that can repair sunglasses. Do you know how to get ahold of them?

XxXxXxX

**A/N: **Thanks for all your kind wishes about my health!


	28. Ichigo Kurosaki 3

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 28 – Ichigo Kurosaki 3**

**A/N:** Yay, my 200th chapter (and over 600,000 words of fanfiction written in two years, gulp)! I decided Ichigo deserved a letter for this occasion since the entire series is about him, and he has the most fanfics on this site. It only seemed fair. ;)

Thanks to **willam and jack and jake** and several others who listed common fanfic clichés that are used in this letter. Again, I apologize for not mentioning everyone by name, but due to my wrist pain it's very hard to use the mouse to search through all the comments to find you all. I do really appreciate the suggestions and ideas and am constantly inspired by your comments.

**Disclaimer:** It's worth repeating that I'm not trying to diss anybody's stories in particular. These are all clichés that appear in more than one fanfic here, including some I have enjoyed reading. I myself am just as guilty as anyone on the site of using clichés in my own writing. This is all in fun…

(Originally posted 8/15/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

I am male. I am not going to turn female and have a mixed-race harem of shinigami, Arrancar, and humans all lusting after me. Nor am I going to put on makeup and a short skirt and bat my eyelashes at anybody!

No, I am not going to become a stripper in a gay bar. Not to pay for my college education. Not to pay for my sister's medical bills. Not ever!

Vampires do not exist. They especially do not sparkle. I am neither a vampire nor am I going to be bitten by a vampire. And I am especially not going to be bitten by a "hot blue-haired vampire who then proceeds to ravage the orange-haired strawberry!"

Time travel is impossible according to the laws of physics. I can't go back in time to hang out with shinigami while they still lived in Rukongai a hundred years ago. And no, I am never going to be "the youngest captain ever in the Gotei 13." If I could go back in time, don't you think the first thing I would do is stop the attack on my mother? Oh, but wait. Then there would be no plot at all for your stories. *_rolls eyes*_

Stop depicting me with cat ears and a tail! The only one of us who can turn into an animal is Yoruichi Shihoin.

Well, and maybe Komamura. Although the real question is whether he can turn back.

**Sincerely,**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Thanks for all your good wishes!

I have a couple more SWA letters planned, and I want to do an Arrancar series. And don't worry, the thread about the hacker(s) is not forgotten; it will come up again shortly.


	29. Szayel Aporro Granz

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 29 – Szayel Aporro Granz**

**A/N:** Thanks to **Jasper's Girl forever, saint maglor** and **Aletheya** for ideas used in this letter.

(Originally posted 8/16/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Time to debunk some of the stupid clichés about Arrancar (and myself) infesting your site.

The Arrancar cannot go into "heat." (Only female animals in the world of the living do that.) Most of the Arrancar are male, or hadn't you noticed?

Hollows do not have a "mating season" where they go and rape humans, including specifically Ichigo Kurosaki.

The Espada do not spend all our time in debauched sex orgies when we're not in meetings with Aizen-sama.

We do not spend all our time in debauched sex orgies _during_ meetings with Aizen-sama. I mean, he actually makes us work on plans for world domination. Well, specifically, he drones on about… er… elucidates his plans and we listen. Politely. (It's not fun to be smashed into the ground by spiritual pressure.)

I have never poisoned the tea we drink at our meetings. Although… I suppose it depends on what you call _poison_… hmmm.

I have never had an experiment on the Espada go wrong, turning them all into children, or animals, or deranged sex maniacs. (At least not those who aren't already.)

My interest in Gin Ichimaru was purely scientific. Why do you keep claiming that I'm the only one who can creep him out? Didn't you like the flowered swing?

Mayuri Kurotsuchi was a far inferior scientist than I. He never understood the phoenix of immortality. Actually, I'm quite certain he was insane. Look at the way he experimented on his daughter. I would only experiment on my Fracción. It's quite different.

It's intriguing that so many of your stories involve me and Uryuu Ishida doing… unspeakable things. _*creepy grin*_ On the other hand, what should one expect, since my Resurrección is called _Fornicarás. *depraved grin*_

For some reason, everyone on your site seems to think I'm disgusting. I can't imagine why. Eating my servants, making dolls out of everyone so I can pull out their internal organs and crush them, laying an egg inside my enemies so I can devour them and emerge from their mouths, injecting my own brother with spirit recording insects so I can study his death: why is that creepy? Aren't those just all the marks of a brilliant scientist?

Well, evil maybe. But surely not creepy.

Hmmm, now that I think about it, why does Tite Kubo seem to think all scientists are evil? Truly, can you think of a _good _scientist in _Bleach_? Even Urahara, who's supposed to be on the 'good' side, has… questionable morals.

Wait. Who's Tite Kubo and why am I talking about good and evil? I have no interest in morality. There is no good or evil, only power and those too weak to use it.

Uh, wait. I think I must have drunk one of my own potions. Er, poisons. I'm not only breaking the fourth wall, I'm breaking the fourth wall of other series. _*rushes off to lab to run blood tests on himself*_

**Sincerely,**

**Szayel Aporro Granz**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** The comment about the flowered swing comes from an omake where Szayel startled Gin. Thanks to **anya0712** for remembering it was episode 193.


	30. Shinigami Women's Association 2

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 30 – Shinigami Women's Association 2**

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who suggested ideas used in this letter. I'm still dealing with sore wrists, so I apologize again at being so slow to respond to reviews and comments.

(Originally posted 8/19/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

At our most recent meeting (unfortunately we had to find a new room in the Kuchiki manor because the other one got blown up somehow), we were going to brainstorm topics for Lesson 2, but then Nanao gave the budget report ("Expenses: 34% candy, 22% bonbons, 13% chocolate, 18.5% mints, 5% toffee, 15.5% toys; Total Funds Left: 0") and we realized it's time for another fundraising drive.

After considering the runaway financial success of certain ex-fanfiction stories in the world of the living and our topical and incisive analysis of the flaws in fanfictions on your site, we came up with a brilliant idea. We realized that since we are now fanfiction experts, it's time to write our own version that we are quite certain will be a lucrative investment.

We've been busy researching all those juicy M-rated fics on your site… (or at least we were until somehow our broadband link went down). We assigned Momo the task of finding and categorizing all the M-rated fics, Rangiku the job of finding lots of synonyms for female and male, uh, attributes, and Yachiru the chore of eating candy while everyone else worked. Rukia, Rangiku, and Nemu wrote most of the text with lots of help from everybody else (and a lot of sake).

After all, isn't it every fanfiction writer's dream to publish a thinly-revised version of their poorly written, smutty fanfic and sell millions of copies across the globe? Now, thanks to the SWA, that dream is a reality.

Look for an illustrated copy of _Fifty Shades of Bleach_, coming to your favorite bookstore soon!

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

P.S. We still need some help taking candid photos illustrating various scenes in the book, since certain Bleach cast members have been… uncooperative. Any volunteers? (No, not you, Yachiru, after what happened with the shinigami calendar!)

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Haha, I actually drafted a chapter of this parody work (although I'm not really familiar with the original _Fifty Shades of Grey _(which started life on FFnet as a Twilight fanfic called _Masters of the Universe_) since I'm not a Twilight fan and have never read it). Is anybody interested in seeing it? Don't worry, it's T-rated.


	31. Shinigami Women's Association 3

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 31 – Shinigami Women's Association 3**

**A/N:** Thanks so much for all your great responses! Thanks to everyone who voted for the parody chapter.

Haha, **Z.V.** was the only reviewer who caught that the budget went over 100%! ;) But somehow the SWA is still not in debt. Hmmmmm.

(Originally posted 8/21/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Here it is, by popular request, chapter 1 of _Fifty Shades of Bleach_! We'll start with:

**Lesson 3: The three rules for writing a really bad, er, popular smutty fanfic.**

1. Choose the most popular heterosexual pairing in your fandom or the two hottest guys. (Or both.)

2. Skip the foreplay and go right to the main act in the first chapter. (It's all about smut, smut, smut!)

3. Use way too many adjectives, plus a lot of cuss words and the crassest terms you can think of for human genitalia. Both your main characters should be exceedingly foul-mouthed.

4. Don't ever let Momo write the first draft because it'll all be about you-know-who.

**Fifty Shades of Bleach**

**Pairing: Grimmjow and fem!Ichigo**

**Chapter 1**

_**This chapter has been censored to keep it at a T rating for FFnet.**_

Grimmjow slammed the door off its hinges as he swaggered into the grimy bar. The teal-haired delinquent scowled, his cerulean blue orbs scanning the drunk and disorderly crowd. An unruly head of orange hair caught his eye, and he stomped over to give the orangette the once-over. A lecherous grin split his face as he liked what he saw. Maybe it would be a twice-over.

Ichigo was sitting at the bar, nursing a strawberry daiquiri and wondering how she was going to pay her family's medical bills while finishing school. Her luscious tongue slipped out of her virgin mouth to trace her swollen lips delicately. Then suddenly she was confronted by the most gorgeous hunk of manhood she had ever laid eyes upon.

"_Expletive-deleted_, who the _expletive-deleted_ are you?" asked the muscle-bound blunette, ogling Ichigo in a randy way. "I've never seen you in this bar before."

Ichigo glared at the blunette, her amber orbs snapping. "Why the _expletive-deleted_ should I tell you, asshole?"

Grimmjow's azure orbs narrowed. "Because I'm gonna _expletive-deleted_ your sexy _expletive-deleted_ and _expletive-deleted_ over and over again until you can't move tonight."

A jolt shot up Ichigo's _expletive-deleted_. Man, this guy was sexy. His domineering attitude turned her on and she just wanted to melt into a puddle of strawberry-flavored mush at the blunette's feet. She had secretly always wanted to be dominated, just like all women. Her tawny orbs softened and she purred, "With a pickup line like that, I'm surprised you don't have all the ladies drooling at your feet, just begging to be _expletive-deleted _with your big _expletive-deleted_."

Grimmjow blustered, shoving his manly body into Ichigo's personal space, "I also am a billionaire who started his own company, but because of my troubled past I haven't been able to have a meaningful relationship yet."

At that, Ichigo slid off the bar stool. "Whistle and I'm yours, you manly hunk of man." She pursed her cherry-red lips significantly and Grimmjow swooped down on them to engulf them in a blazing kiss that lit Ichigo's curvy body on fire from her cute pink-painted toenails to her lush, spiky orange hair.

Soon they were in Grimmjow's luxurious penthouse apartment, _expletive-deleted_ like a couple of _expletive-deleted_ _expletive-deleted_s.

_Too many expletives. Remainder of chapter deleted._

**Sincerely,**

**The Shinigami Women's Association**

P.S. Eheheh, make sure not to show this to either Grimmjow or Ichigo! Apparently there was an attack on our old headquarters and a lot of our printed copies were destroyed by Ceros or Getsuga Tenshou. But we have more copies hidden! Order now if you want the uncensored version, fully illustrated!

_Ichigo: Illustrated? How did you manage that?_

P.P.S. Uh oh_._

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Anybody want more chapters or was that enough?

_Ichigo: That was enough!_


	32. Ichigo Kurosaki 4

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 32 – Ichigo Kurosaki 4**

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone for your kind encouragement and wonderful reviews.

(Originally posted 8/23/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

What the fuck are you doing?! Now you've got the Shinigami Women's Association doing _exactly_ all the wrong things we told you not to! Like genderbending and putting me together with that asshole.

Your "lesson" should have been: Never get Rangiku and Yachiru together in a room with a lot of sake and candy!

I've already destroyed about a thousand copies of that trashy fanfic. And if I find it on your computers don't expect me to respect private property!

_(Grimmjow) Yeah, you made me look like a freakin' idiot! Plus I don't go to bars. How many times do I have to tell you? I'm a Hollow!_

_What's even worse,_ _you're disrespecting my prey. Do you think he would deserve to fight me if he were all girly like that? *snorts*_

Who are you calling prey? How'd you get in my letter anyway?!

And what's all this crap about "secretly wanting to be dominated"?

_They said "all women" want that. Not you, jerk. Although… heh heh._

Who are you calling a jerk, jerk? I heard more copies got printed so I'm on my way to the Kuchiki Manor now to deal with that problem.

_Not to worry, jerk. I'm already there. And don't fret your pretty little head about it. I know you're too much of a pansy to really get this job done, so I've taken care of it for you._

**Getsuga Tenshou!**

**Ichigo Kurosaki**

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

We would hereby like to extend our most sincere apologies to you all and especially to Grimmjow Jaegerjaques and Ichigo Kurosaki for our slanderous and offensive publication. We hereby retract all our previous statements, agree to destroy all extant copies of _Fifty Shades of Bleach,_ and in the future, promise to keep the sake away from Lieutenant Matsumoto and the sugar away from Lieutenant Kusajishi.

_*sotto voce*_ There! Is that good enough? Now will you let Rangiku go? _*grumbles*_ As if destroying our new headquarters wasn't enough…

**Sincerely,**

**Shinigami Women's Association**

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Gulp! No more chapters of that kind! I promise!


	33. Shinigami Women's Association 4

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 33 – Shinigami Women's Association 4**

**A/N:** Thanks to **Delirium's Requiem** for the request for a SWA lesson on how to handle OOCness. Plus thanks to **Flare-Flare **for her list of typical offenses. And thanks to everyone for your great ideas and reviews. Wrists are sloooowly getting better. Thanks for your kind wishes for my health.

(Originally posted 8/24/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

As part of our court-ordered, er, extorted restitution plan, here is lesson 4 on how NOT to write the _Bleach_ cast out-of-character ("OOC").

**Lesson 4 – The Dreaded OOC.**

Is _your_ fanfiction OOC? Take our handy quiz and find out.

**Your male character gets pregnant.** We've already discussed so-called mpreg and where it should be stuck. Yes, give yourself 5 points; no, 0 points. Sort-of, 10 points. That's just too scary.

**Ichigo, Rukia, or Orihime are royalty.** Too much wishful thinking, ladies. 5 points for each prince or princess. 2 points each for lesser nobility like dukes or viscountesses.

**Ichigo is a wuss, Rukia is a bitch, or Orihime is a slut.** Enough said. 5 points for each slur.

**Ichigo, Aizen, or Rangiku are teachers in the world of the living.** Uh, yeah. Have you forgotten? Ichigo is a teenager, Aizen is too busy plotting world domination to waste his time in a high school, and it would interfere with Rangiku's drink- er, career as a soul reaper. 5 points for each teacher. 10 points for each incidence of sexual molestation of students. 15 points if the students so molested are Ichigo, Orihime, or Rukia. 20 points if the molestee is Toshiro.

**Making unrelated characters siblings.** 5 points for each sibling. 20 points if either Ichigo and Rukia or Ichigo and Orihime are brother and sister. Really, girls? That's just a way-too-transparent attempt to push your own ship forward. Er, unless you're into incest, and that's even more disgusting.

**Ichigo and nakama going to the Soul Reaper Academy.** 5 points for each student. 20 points if they fall in love with an extraordinarily powerful OC at the Academy.

**Characters overuse Japanese words like "baka" and "gomen."** 5 points for each occurrence. 20 point bonus if there are so many Japanese words sprinkled throughout you have to include a glossary.

**Clothes characters would never wear.** 5 points for each offensive outfit. 10 points if Ichigo wears a dress or a black leather thong.

**Rukia gets a "makeover" where the Bleach gals try to teach her to be more feminine**. 10 points plus 10 minutes in a room with Sode no Shirayuki.

**Any characters as Romeo and Juliet.** Bleach characters aren't suicidal. 5 points for each Capulet or Montague.

**Ulquiorra plots against or kills Aizen.** Never gonna happen, folks. Sorry. 5 points for each offense.

**Aizen is a nice guy. **Uh, sorry, fangirls, but he's the **villain**. As in, **evil**. Just because he's hot doesn't excuse all the crimes he's committed. So get over your crazy obsessions. 20 points.

**Ichigo is a player.** Just NO. 20 points for this defamation.

**Lesbian!Orihime. Or Rukia.** No. You're thinking of Chizuru. 5 points for each offense.

Finally and especially (as ordered!):

**Making Ichigo female.** He's a guy with a great big powerful sword. Not a woman. 100 points.

**Placing Ichigo and Grimmjow in any sort of sexual relationship**. They're powerful fighters and **enemies**. Do the above and we can no longer vouch for your safety. 100 points.

Well, that's enough for today's lesson. Part 2 will be posted later.

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**Score Interpretations**

**0-5 points.** Congratulations! Your fanfiction might be worthy of a read. We might even send someone over to discuss serialization and royalties.

**10-50 points.** You need to do some serious editing. Now.

**60-100 points.** What's wrong with you? Why are you even bothering writing for_ Bleach_ since you don't know the characters well enough!

**Over 100 points.** We see from the smoking rubble that someone has already given you a better lesson than we can.

**Sincerely,**

**Shinigami Women's Association**

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**A/N**: Oops. Er, I better not tell anyone _my_ score… _*cringes*_


	34. Shinigami Men's Association

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 34 – Shinigami Men's Association**

**A/N:** Thanks to those of you who requested a response from the Shinigami Men's Association.

I recently read part of the fanfic "My Immortal" and I think my brain has putrefied. Google it along with "worst fanfiction ever" and see what you think…..

**Warning:** This chapter may not be that funny unless you know of "My Immortal" and have read at least the first, awful chapter.

(Originally posted 8/31/12.)

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**,

We heard the SWA is trying to write a popular, best-selling fanfiction novel. Well, we can write one too! And we think we'll sell more copies because we found an even better example of what it takes to make a fanfiction popular. This one we found got over 10,000 reviews!

So here we go with "My Bleach Immortal." _*sound of toilet flushing in the background*_

**My Bleach Immortal**

**By the Shinigami Men's Association**

**Pairing:** Ichigo x OC

**Chapter 1.**

Hi my name is Pallid Light'ness Dove Insanity Ise (AN: geddit becuz its Bleach and not black so evrything's white) and I have long pure white hair that reaches my mid-back kind of like Ukitake's only softer and nicer because I'm a girl (AN: of course Ukitake's a major f*cking hottie so get da hell out of here if u don't like him). I have gorgeous blue orbs like Gin (AN: anuther big time hottie) except my eyes aren't closed all the time. I have big beautiful boobs like Rangiku that are always about to bust out of my really tight clothing.

I have pale white skin and I'm also a shinigami (AN: that means deth god u n00b) so I go to the shinigami Academy. Today I was wearing a white corset with matching lace all around and a white leather miniskirt, white thigh highs and white combat boots. I was wearing white lipstick, white eyeliner, and white eyeshadow. And oh yeah I had on white nail polish with little pictures of Japanese characters on it.

"Hey Pallid!" shouted a deep voice sexily. I looked up. It was... ... Ichigo Kurosaki!

"What's up dude?" I said flirtily.

"Nothing," he said depressedly.

"Oh," I said boredly.

"Hey," he said excitedly, "want to go to a Good Charlotte Cuuhlhorne concert over in Karakura Town?"

"Yeah," I said droolingly (AN: GCC is like totally my fave band and u suk if u don't lik them) and we got in his senkaimon and drove to Karakura where the band was already playing.

We were in the park moshing to the tunes when a Hollow showed up and everybody screamed we're all gonna die…... but Ichigo cut off its head with his big zan, uh, sword-thing.

I grinned at him sexily and Ichigo said, "Pallid, I love you and I'm gonna slit my wrists and drink the blood unless you love me too."

I said, "Hey dude, whatevs." Then he put his boy thingy in my you-know-what and we did it against a tree right there in the park next to the decapadated Hollow.

Just then my friends called me on my fox-shaped cellphone and I had to go.

XxXxXxX

So what do you think?

**Sincerely,**

**Shinigami Men's Association**

_Nanao: This is the worst excuse for a fanfiction I've ever read, Iba! It's going to fail just like all your other pathetic attempts to compete with us._

_Iba: You're just jealous that we're making more money than you because all your books were destroyed._

_Nanao: And why'd you put my name on your horrible Mary Sue?_

_Iba: *grins* Why do you think? Hey, wanna buy one of our macho cellphones? I'll give you a discount._

_*sound of the impact of fist against flesh, then running feet*_

_Nanao: (off in the distance) And someone hacked your letter too!_

_*toilet flushes*_

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**A/N:** *ducks head in apology for terrible fanfic* Thank you so much for all your comments. They have really been keeping me going lately.

Did you guess the identity of one of the hackers yet?


	35. Kisuke Urahara

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 35 – Kisuke Urahara**

**A/N:** At last! By popular demand, with thanks to **willam, Good boy-chan, ChieLuvsBleach, Itachipanda, absoluteotaku, Yavvy, Innocent Freak, SakuraKiss444, Delirium's Requiem, Half-n-Half Soprano, TheAmaryllisBlossom, TigressfromFiore, nindjo, asia411, A. Eelif, Alyssa James, anya0712, MaxInu23, LOVE1213, blackravens4,** and a few others…

With special thanks to **sassisan** and **Aletheya** for ideas used in this letter.

(Originally posted 9/2/12.)

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why does everyone seem to think I'm the hacker? _*waves fan*_ I'm just a humble but attractive shopkeeper, nothing more. How could I possibly know enough about computers to hack into them?

I'm merely a purveyor of fine merchandise at reasonable prices. By the way, interested in buying a special gigai? Or how about my latest version of soul candy? I _promise_ there will be no side-effects… this time. I can give you a good deal!

And what's with all the titles like 'mastermind of Bleach'? All I did was help Ichigo defeat an evildoer. Speaking of which, I think someone slick enough to fool Aizen would be far more likely to be the hacker. Did you notice that a letter mentioned fox-shaped cellphones? And I heard Gin Ichimaru was writing letters earlier. You might want to look on _his_ computer for evidence.

Now, the way you all seem to think I'm a pervert is distressing. _*peers out from under brim of hat*_ Have I ever shown any evidence in canon that I'm a pervert? Why are there so many stories about me getting it on with Ichigo? I'm the poor owner of a small-time candy store, and Ichigo is a super-powerful substitute shinigami! One of the five special war potentials! What could he possibly see in me?

Besides, Isshin really wouldn't like it, you know.

Why are there so many fanfics where Yoruichi is a noble and I'm a peasant she picks up on a dark night? Does Yoruichi look like someone who would pick up a mangy stray cat? Well… never mind. But why does everyone assume we have a romantic relationship? Just because she chewed me out during a battle? Tsk tsk, you people have some strange ideas about love.

Or Shinji and I? Now that's strange. All we had in common were being Aizen's victims that one night. And as to Aizen… well, it's possible he did seem a little fascinated with me _*flutters fan*_ but believe me, the feeling was _not _mutual.

You might want to tone down the unorthodox romances in your writing. Benihime might get upset, and she really isn't nice when she awakens.

**Sincerely,**

**Kisuke Urahara**

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**A/N: **Thanks for the reviews! You guys are awesome!


	36. Nelliel Tu Oderschwanck

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 36 – ****Nelliel Tu Oderschwanck**

**A/N:** I'm starting an Espada series, beginning with Nel for **SakuraKiss444, ChieLuvsBleach, Yeast, blackravens4, RockaNGW, Scaevola2, Devil'sEyeAlchemist13, **and** AiiWoKoete**.

(Originally posted 9/7/12.)

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Where's Itsygo? He said I should come and read these funny stories. But he said I should only click on the letter K. Isn't that silly? Itsygo is always saying funny things. I think he needs a biiiiig hug! I better go find him soon!

He also said I should definitely not read stories with the letter M and me and Grimmjow. Now that's really strange. I wonder what's wrong with those letter M stories? Especially with Grimmy. Well… he is pretty scary. And I should tell Itsygo that if M stands for 'masochist,' that it's okay for me to see them.

But Dondochakka, Pesche, and Bawa Bawa aren't even listed on the drop-down. That makes me sad. Who am I gonna play eternal tag with?

XxXxXxX

Hello. I'm pleased to meet you, although it seems that you fanfiction authors don't really take us seriously. There are some very tragic circumstances going on in Bleach, and yet your stories focus almost exclusively on humor or romance.

Why would Kubo-sensei spend so much time describing what happened between Nnoitra and me? Not for the sordid purposes you seem to imagine. When we regained our capacity for reason, it changed our fundamental nature and especially our purpose in fighting. Kubo mentions 'reason' a lot in this manga… Think about why.

**Sincerely,**

**Nel (Nelliel Tu Oderschwanck)**


	37. Nnoitra Jiruga

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 37 – ****Nnoitra Jiruga**

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone for your great reviews!

Continuing with the Espada series; today's letter is for **Silver Dragon, ****ChieLuvsBleach, anime-manga-it-calls-meXX, Cerice Belle, smylealong, Yeast, ****sbdrag, asia411, TigressfromFiore**, and especially for **Good boy-chan** for multiple votes for Nnoitra!

(Originally posted 9/8/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why the fuck are you writing all these sloppy, soft stories about me and Nel? Didn't you get it that she was my competition and I crushed her! I tricked her and got her kicked out of the Espada. Stupid bitch didn't deserve to live. Not that any bitches are worth a shit, anyway. And Tesla's my goddamn slave, not my comfy little play bunny. As for Szayel, hah! I'm not stupid enough to get anywhere near that hopped-up crazy's lab unless it's to fuckin' chop him up into itty bitty pieces.

This whole thing is just a piece of crap. I can't believe I'm even writing you one of these letters. How the hell is this shit happening?

_**Grimmjow:**__ Ha! You might as well admit that those bitches blackmailed you same as the rest of us, spoonhead._

Grimmkitty, stay the fuck out of my letter! Nobody blackmails me!

_**Grimmjow **__(laughing): Then why are you writing?_

_*Nnoitra takes out zanpakutou and begins to spin it*_

I'm gonna smash you all to pieces!

**The strongest Espada,**

**Nnoitra Jiruga**


	38. Aaroniero Arruruerie

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 38 – ****Aaroniero Arruruerie**

**A/N:** Thanks to **Soul Crisis, Lara, **and** blackravens4 **for the request.

(Originally posted 9/12/12.)

XxXxXxX

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

Why do I have less than a page of stories when all the others have thousands? Since I have eaten so many souls and hold their knowledge within me, I am far more interesting than the others.

At least I'm at the top of all the drop-down lists, thanks to my lexicographic advantages.

Don't you want to know all of Kaien Shiba's secrets? Why Ichigo looks like him? I'm the only one who knows.

I've always needed to know everything. More souls. More!

You wouldn't believe how many answers I could tell you. There are many, many other secrets that plenty of people would like kept in the dark. For example, did you know that even Tite Kubo thinks I'm creepy?

I'm more than just a plot device to reveal Rukia Kuchiki's backstory, I guarantee!

And how come none of you can spell my name?

**Sincerely,**

**Aroniere**

**Aarroniro**

**Aaroniero Arruruerie**

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_**Gin**__: I could never spell his name either. An' those two creepy heads made me shiver!_

_**Urahara**__: Look who's talking about creepy. Didn't Kubo say he was surprised how many fangirls a creepy guy like you had?_

_**Gin**__: Well, at least they didn't call me a pervert like you._

_**Urahara**__: …You're living in a dream world, Ichimaru._

_**Gin**__: Aren't we all?_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Every time I typed this guy's name I had to look it up... Meh, kind of hard to make him funny, and who even knows what's in character for him?

I'll dedicate a chapter to anyone who can guess who's slotted for chapter 39! Warning: it's a trick question... ;)


	39. Orihime Inoue 2

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 39 – ****Orihime Inoue 2**

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone for your great responses! This chapter is for **HellNoScream**, who guessed right! Also for **Flare-Flare**, just because. And thanks to **Lonewingwriter** for ideas used in this letter.

(Originally posted 9/19/12.)

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

So, I read your comments on my last letter, and what are you saying about my cooking? I don't understand. Is there something wrong with my cooking? _*puts finger to mouth in puzzlement*_

I also wanted to let you know I don't read any fanfictions rated M or above. I'm only 17 after all! I'm not allowed to read things like that. But I did look at the summaries and they are very strange…

First, I am not Kurosaki-kun's sister! That just totally doesn't make sense. He's—well, I don't see why anybody would write me as his sister when it's pretty clear that our relationship is quite different. _*looks sad*_

And yeah, eheheh, me and Ishida-kun! _*blushes*_ He is such a sweetheart. I especially love all the outfits he makes for me and everyone! Aren't they so cute? But we're just friends.

Here's what I especially don't understand: Why would you pair me with Aizen? He kidnapped me! He's really a very bad man and far far older than me. We are about as different as you can get! Is it just because he touched my face in that one scene (omigod I was scared he was going to kiss me _*blushes*)_ and told me to wait while he destroyed my hometown? _*gets very red and looks angry*_ That's not really a good pick-up line, you know. He's always touching people and calling them "my dear Espada" or something but it doesn't mean anything! It's just as silly to pair me with him as it is to pair… Kurosaki-kun with him!

Also, why am I always going shopping in your fics? I don't like shopping that much (I'm really too poor to buy anything…). I only wanted to be nice to Rangiku that one time. And don't pair me with her either!

You know, maybe it's all a mistake. I read all these fics that had my name in them, but it didn't really seem like me, so maybe fanfiction dot net has an error in the system, or somebody hacked it, or something?

I saw you were asking for votes for your next letter… may I vote? My suggestion is you should have another letter from Kurosaki-kun! _*blushes again*_

**Sincerely,**

**Orihime Inoue**

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_**Ulquiorra**__: Why is Orihime listed here among the Espada? She is a human._

_**Gin**__: She was here so long we gave her honorary membership. Besides, aren't ya glad of her company?_

_**Ulquiorra**__: Glad? Why would you say that? I was simply following orders to take care of the prisoner._

_**Gin**__: *smirks* Sure._

_**Ulquiorra**__: You are as bad as those fanfiction writers. She is simply a human._

_**Gin**__: Haven't ya heard about the twist Kubo's plannin' for the end of Bleach? It'll turn out that Orihime was behind it all. That whole ditzy ADHD thing was just an act (just like a certain captain was actin' for such a long time). She's got the powers of a god, after all, and the whole "kidnap" routine was simply a ploy to get her to Hueco Mundo and put her in touch with her top agent, Aizen, so she could issue him her latest instructions to make it look like he was really the bad guy._

_*laughs* Man, a certain somebody with a big ego's really gonna hate that part. *grins*_

_**Ulquiorra**__: I see it now. You are the hacker. And the troll behind the entire series._

_**Gin**__: *points at self with innocent expression* Moi?_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Thanks to everyone for your great reviews. They have really been cheering me up lately, especially since I have a close relative who has just passed away so I have been very sad. Please keep commenting, and do let me know who you'd like to see next, either the next Espada, or who you'd like to see after the Espada series.


	40. Coyote Starrk and Lilynette Gingerbuck

**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors**

**Chapter 40 – ****Coyote Starrk and Lilynette Gingerbuck**

**A/N:** And I'm back with another Espada. Sorry for the long absence, but after my uncle's passing, I just couldn't find the heart to be funny for a long time.

I'm not really sure if my funny muse is back, but over the last two days, **Venethiel Malethar** wrote me fifteen reviews, **BiblioMatsuri** wrote me four, **Kira michi** left two, and **Lady Island Rose **wrote me an amazing twenty-eight reviews, and between the four of them, they got me all inspired (thanks!).

And thanks to **BiblioMatsuri **for the request and idea.

I also wrote a new humorous chapter on my Ulquihime story, _Days of Las Noches_, if you're interested.

(Originally posted 11/10/12.)

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**Dear Bleach Fanfiction Authors,**

_*yawn* _Hello, it's me, Starrk_. _Lilynette told me I'm supposed to write a letter to you, but I can't find my pencil, so I'm going to take a nap. _*lies down*_

_**Lilynette:**__ Oy! Wake up, you lazy moron! *sticks fist down Starrk's throat*_

_*opens eyes blearily*_ Why do I have to wake up?

_**Lilynette**__: *starts tickling him* I won't stop tickling until you wake up._

_*laughs and squirms and finally sits up*_ OK, OK. What do you want me to say?

_**Lilynette**__: Don't you get it? It's pathetic how you're just layin' around when these so-called writers are makin' you look bad!_

How do they make me look bad?

_**Lilynette**__: *heavy sigh * Well, for one thing, they always write you molesting that substitute shinigami kid. It's shameful, that's what it is._

Who?

_**Lilynette**__: What do you mean who? The main character! Ichigo Kurosaki!_

Main character? What? Isn't that us?

_**Lilynette**__: *kicks him hard* No, you idiot! We're just a minor character in the series._

Oh. So, we assist the main character?

_**Lilynette**__: No, you idiot, we work for the villain! Haven't you been payin' attention? Oh, I guess not. You were probably asleep at that meeting._

Aizen-sama is the villain? Oh, so that must be why he didn't care about our comrades dying. That was too bad. And after we finally found someone we could be around without killing. That's so discouraging. All that time and effort, just to find out we're one of the bad guys. _*sighs and lies down again*_ Well, that's it. I'm done. Let's just go home and get some sleep. _*starts snoring loudly*_

_**Lilynette**__: Fine! I'll just take over the letter then! Listen, you lousy perverts, stop writing us in sexual situations. Starrk's too busy sleeping to molest anyone, and even though I don't have an age, I look like a little kid, so you should be ashamed of yourselves!_

**Sincerely,**

**Coyote Starrk and Lilynette Gingerbuck**

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_**Gin**__: I liked the stories with me an' Starrk._

_**Lilynette:**__ Those were the worst, you pervert! You're disgusting._

_**Gin:**__ I wouldn' be so quick ta insult me. Didn't ya know how easy it is to hack someone's account when they're always sleepin'?_

XxXxXxX

**A/N:** Are people still reading this story? I could use more suggestions for inspiration… Who should I write next?


End file.
